True Grits should be a little bit lumpy.

NUCLEAR CLOWN RADIO - EPISODE ECKS VS SEVER

IN THIS DIRE LAST BROADCAST OF 2010:

-Spy movie cliches!

-Old man winter has jizzed all over the east coast!

-Feel the power of the legendary Ainkurn Sword!

-Death to the Cake Boss!

-I'm still here, too!

-The Gang(land)'s all here!

-How to make your own Luck!

-On the Irradiated ipod this week: A song straight from a gorgeous gal with short hair and her wily band! I bring to you Elastica's rather peppy song "Nothing Stays the Same" from their second album in TEN DAMN YEARS, The Menace!

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These were once automobiles.

As a fat person, I really can't help but love the cold weather. After all, in the summertime, it's hot and humid enough as it is, but once you throw in the layers and layers of protective, warming blubber that coats my big mac-ridden body, it's like constantly being trapped in a sweltering flesh prison where sweat and discomfort are ones only allies.

Now, you could say "Dave, just lose weight", but at this point in time I'd much rather complain and whine about it. Anyways, I'm rambling. My point is, I love the cold weather, but I also fucking hate hate HATE the snow.

I hate anything that makes travel/driving/life in general difficult, so when I woke up this morning to THIS BULLSHIT, I was not in a pleasant mood at all. So for those of you who won't spend the majority of your day shoveling this heaven sent hassle and always pine for the romantic, happy and fun white Christmas (or, to be more accurate, white post-christmas), you can live vicariously through me, your New Jersey weather correspondent, and really see what a magical blizzard really looks like outside of the movies.

I'd go make a snow angel, but I would surely drown and die. That is all.

NUCLEAR CLOWN RADIO - EPISODE NEIN CHRISTMAS SPECTACULAR

IN THIS RATHER HO HO HO TRANSMISSION:

-Princess Leia spreads for her people!

-Sub Zero! Batman! Who is deadliest?

-GSP Apology school!

-Indiana Jones and the Death of my Childhood!

-PENIS IS HOT!

-Elvin Tibideaux and his stupid fucking kids must die!

-Why I was once naked in a bathtub bathing in turpentine!

-On the irradiated ipod this week: As if the gift of a brand new Podcast isn’t enough, I give you the gift of song as well! Taken straight from this horse’s mouth, I play for you a song that I recorded with my friends when we had a band way back when I was the young, supple age of 19! I proudly bring to you OTIS, from the album Where’s my Grand Radio Daddy? this is “Santa Fe Chamber Music!”

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Print is dead. Egon said this in Ghostbusters. Turns out he was right, and that was a quarter of a century ago.

Okay, I literally have no reason to post this picture, beyond it being funny as all heck. So, what I'll do is try and pass it off as some sort of Christmas Eve message. When I was 19 years old I found this picture in the newspaper sports section, and I immediately had to have it. I grabbed a pair of scissors and immediately snipped this bad boy out. I've had it ever since that time. Truth be told, I still have it hanging on my wall, because it makes me happy.

There's so much awesome shit going on in this one photograph it's insane. The Coach (At least I THINK it's the Coach. I mean, if it's just a random fan or something then this photo has a whole new set of layers of funny to it) has this supremely whimsical look/smile on his face, and he even is doing a sort of leg-bend type thingy, like in the movies when a girl gets kissed all romantic like, and their one leg bends upwards.

I also love the one guy in the crowd in the glasses and black and white shirt who has the only proper look to have given the situation he is viewing. That look, right there, is the absolute avatar of a "What the fuck is this gay shit?" reaction.

This picture is special to me because nowadays physically finding something in a magazine or newspaper is pretty much never going to happen again.

I mean, I used to have a stack of Maxim/FHM/Insert non-porno titty mag here books laying around that I would use to...um...DO RESEARCH AND SUCH with. For example, I bought TWO copies of the FHM with Catherine Bell on the cover (I still have one in the bag around here somewhere) and that shit is like my BIBLE. Don't remember that one? Allow me to refresh the memory.

Nowadays, I can just pop into Google and type "Hot ass pictures of new hot piece of short-haired ass #9" and get pages and pages of completely free pictures without ever having to visit a newstand. It's very spiff and rather convenient, but it's kind of sad that print is so much less of an important medium. Hell, in 2010/2011 it's goddamn inconvenient to have to lug around a magazine, when ipads and laptops are so much damn sexier.

Alright, I'm beginning to sound like an old coot again.

My point is, this awesomely gay picture of these guys hugging it out is special to me because I didn't find it online, but trimmed the thing out myself from a newspaper. It's almost a damn relic! Anyways, I hope the picture makes you laugh on this Eve of Christmas, and happy holidays to all you folks out there. And damn, even after all this time, that FHM cover of the lovely Catherine Bell makes me giddy. That girl is legit spiff.

NUCLEAR CLOWN RADIO - EPISODE ACES AND EIGHTS

IN THIS WORLD-SPANNING AUDIO DOCUMENT:

-Uncle Dave’s Dreamland Story Time!

-The truth about Sir Paul and Captain Kirk!

-NCR goes international! (Now with extra boobage)

-SHUT UP, HOOKER!

-Eddie Izzard is BACK on the Netflix Instant Queue!

-How New Jersey got its cool back!

-Do you shoot squirrels and shit?

-On the Irradiated ipod this week: You get a double dose of my musical taste as I play two songs from Karate’s In Place of Real Insight album, seamlessly melding together the wily jams “This, Plus Slow Song” and “Today or Tomorrow!”

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Take the world by the fucking balls.

I swear, this has been the best month ever for finding Internet stuff that cracks my ass up. This song is officially expanding my horizons, and has blasted to #1 with a laser bullet in the billboard 100 of my soul.

Get your Tron on.

Youtube seems to have lifted time limits on their videos altogether! This is both good and bad for me.
You see, rendering this 35 minute video took me over four hours. Uploading it to Youtube? Over an hour and a half. So yea, this shit takes some time (About five and a half hours for you math majors out there!). I love giving more content in my videos, but that is just a BIT ridiculous for me, so I think my Youtube stuff will be staying at around 15-20 minutes, with longer videos whenever I feel more chatter is needed. Maybe if I had a more spiff computer these times would decrease, so who knows.

I wanna do a comparison!

                                           NUCLEAR CLOWN TV         NUCLEAR CLOWN RADIO
                 Record time:                 30 Minutes                              Around 75-90 Minutes
                 Edit time:                 30 Minutes to 1 Hour                       5 Minutes...maybe
                 Rendering Time:               4+ Hours                                  10-15 Minutes
                 Internet Upload Time:      1.5 Hours                              30 Minutes...maybe
                 Overall Content:        Around 30 Minutes                           Over 1 Hour

So it takes me way less time to complete a podcast than to complete a video, and you end up getting twice or thrice the amount of bang for your buck, so expect more Podcasts than Videos. Very cool of Youtube though for axing the time limit!

Anyways, enjoy!

NOOGLEAR CLOWN RADIO - EPISODE 7-11

IN THIS TONGUE-TRAPPING LESSON:

-Marky Mark: Permanent Underdog?

-You want the truth of a gal's age? You can't HANDle the truth!

-Pee Wee Herman's Latin twin!

-Gilbert Gottfried ruins my boner!

-The life-stealing mummy powers of Mister Billy Bob Thornton!

-WWE King of the ring Sheamus is a LARPer!

-I see Angelina Jolie's boobs, but at what price victory?  

-On the Irradiated ipod this week: From the band Dig's very last album Life Like, we all get to do enjoy a bit of massive grooving with the tremendously spiff song "Busstopping!"

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Perry Saturn is a tough fucker.

I've always liked Perry Saturn. The Eliminators in the original ECW were seriously legit, and even in WCW I really liked Saturn's stuff. To this day, I think "The Rings of Saturn" is the fucking sickest sounding submission hold in the history of the universe. I don't know about you, but if someone said "Dave, would you rather me behead you with this ax here, or would you rather me put you in THE RINGS OF SATURN for a few seconds" then I'd easily take decapitation. I loved using Saturn in the CLASSIC WCW wrestling video games for N64, and even though his WWE run wasn't very good, (Join the club of WCW badasses who were made to look like freaking jokes once they jumped ship) I always liked watching him wrestle.

Wikipedia says that Saturn joined the army at age 17 for 4 years and became an Airbourbe-fucking-Ranger.

When I was 17 years old, I was jerking off my tiny penis frequently, stuffing my fat freaking face with fast food and egg nog and trying my best to avoid any kind of responsibility for my behavior and actions. Actually, I'm 30 now and not much has changed in that regard. The point I'm poorly trying to make is that I couldn't imagine going through anything like that at 17. I'm just flat out not brave/strong/good enough. HOWEVER, let's see Saturn try and drink a whole half gallon of Egg Nog in one sitting, hmmmmm? DIDN'T THINK SO, PERRY.

What can I say, we all have our gifts.

Rumor has it that Perry Saturn saw some girl getting raped by two guys and he got involved trying to help her, getting shot in the throat for his trouble. I've heard and read this on a billion wrestling sites, yet it's not listed on his Wikipedia page for some reason. As for the truth? Who knows.

I found this video on a wrestling site and it really stuck out to me. Perry's been through hard times lately. Getting shot, being homeless, finding himself wrapped up in meth addiction. It's insane. However, what really REALLY stands out for me is how Saturn talks about his problems. He doesn't show an ounce of "pity me" or "Feel bad for me". He doesn't claim that Jesus helped him pull through his addiction like so many Wrestlers just LOVE to do after they get out of the ring. To borrow a well-worn cliche, he tells it like it is, and makes no excuses. I really, really respect that.

Do you suffer from Wilde Cockburn?

My ultimate holiday gift for you all.

When I give a gift, I give it right, dig? I found this picture of this AWESOME ASS person and I had to share with you all. As soon as I saw this, I immediately assumed that two twin brothers were born to a proud momma, grew up, and one was embraced by a stodgy Ventrue, and the other by a beyond-wily Ravnos.

Obviously, he is ancient, powerful, and absolutely swimming in pussy. You have no idea how badly I want to make a Christmas card out of this picture and mail it to every single household in the lower 48 states. Merry Christmas time, folks, you are all so very welcome.

NUCLEAR CLOWN RADIO - EPISODE THE SIXTH

IN THIS CATACLYSMIC EPISODE:

-Azeroth no more!

-I have had one love in my life, and that love is Night Trap!

-Important movies and TV shows that I've never seen!

-What do Netflix and tightrope walkers have in common?

-I get an incredible Christmas gift over a decade in the making!

-Goodbye, Hamada, it's kind of weird that I think you're sort of cute!

-Let's all try and make some new slang, you freaking Dick Wolfs!

-On the Irradiated ipod this week: Glen Phillips' lost album Tornillo, has an absolutely astonishing gem of a song on it that I share with you! You can go to GlenPhillips.com and listen to all the stuff that Glen's been up to, including this week's Irradiated ipod entry "Half Life!"

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I proudly bring to you NIGHT TRAP and DOUBLE SWITCH

On this week's podcast I mention my absolute love of the old ass Sega CD games Night Trap and Double Switch. I may not be able to bring you the high five video, but I can hook all my little Nukelings and Nukelettes up with two of the greatest cinematic achievements ever!

and...

You're welcome!

NUCLEAR CLOWN RADIO - EPISODE HIGH FIVE

IN THIS OPPOSITE OF EAR CANDY BROADCAST:

-Fantastic PANTS!

-A very special tribute to my favorite number ever!

-Vigo the Carpathian > The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man!

-Part two in the holy trinity of horrible Eddie Murphy Movie Reviews: A Vampire in Brooklyn!

-My place among the ancient Chinese Zodiac!

-Did I forget to mention fantastic PANTS?!

-The Miz is your new Champion! Not mine!

-On the Irradiated ipod this week: Dave's Podcasting...But who's listening? This week we go out on the kick-butt opening song from Megadeth's absolutely classic album Peace sells...but who's buying? a little number called "Wake up dead!" 

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