True Grits should be a little bit lumpy.

NUCLEAR CLOWN RADIO - EPISODE ECKS VS SEVER

IN THIS DIRE LAST BROADCAST OF 2010:

-Spy movie cliches!

-Old man winter has jizzed all over the east coast!

-Feel the power of the legendary Ainkurn Sword!

-Death to the Cake Boss!

-I'm still here, too!

-The Gang(land)'s all here!

-How to make your own Luck!

-On the Irradiated ipod this week: A song straight from a gorgeous gal with short hair and her wily band! I bring to you Elastica's rather peppy song "Nothing Stays the Same" from their second album in TEN DAMN YEARS, The Menace!

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These were once automobiles.

As a fat person, I really can't help but love the cold weather. After all, in the summertime, it's hot and humid enough as it is, but once you throw in the layers and layers of protective, warming blubber that coats my big mac-ridden body, it's like constantly being trapped in a sweltering flesh prison where sweat and discomfort are ones only allies.

Now, you could say "Dave, just lose weight", but at this point in time I'd much rather complain and whine about it. Anyways, I'm rambling. My point is, I love the cold weather, but I also fucking hate hate HATE the snow.

I hate anything that makes travel/driving/life in general difficult, so when I woke up this morning to THIS BULLSHIT, I was not in a pleasant mood at all. So for those of you who won't spend the majority of your day shoveling this heaven sent hassle and always pine for the romantic, happy and fun white Christmas (or, to be more accurate, white post-christmas), you can live vicariously through me, your New Jersey weather correspondent, and really see what a magical blizzard really looks like outside of the movies.

I'd go make a snow angel, but I would surely drown and die. That is all.

NUCLEAR CLOWN RADIO - EPISODE NEIN CHRISTMAS SPECTACULAR

IN THIS RATHER HO HO HO TRANSMISSION:

-Princess Leia spreads for her people!

-Sub Zero! Batman! Who is deadliest?

-GSP Apology school!

-Indiana Jones and the Death of my Childhood!

-PENIS IS HOT!

-Elvin Tibideaux and his stupid fucking kids must die!

-Why I was once naked in a bathtub bathing in turpentine!

-On the irradiated ipod this week: As if the gift of a brand new Podcast isn’t enough, I give you the gift of song as well! Taken straight from this horse’s mouth, I play for you a song that I recorded with my friends when we had a band way back when I was the young, supple age of 19! I proudly bring to you OTIS, from the album Where’s my Grand Radio Daddy? this is “Santa Fe Chamber Music!”

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Print is dead. Egon said this in Ghostbusters. Turns out he was right, and that was a quarter of a century ago.

Okay, I literally have no reason to post this picture, beyond it being funny as all heck. So, what I'll do is try and pass it off as some sort of Christmas Eve message. When I was 19 years old I found this picture in the newspaper sports section, and I immediately had to have it. I grabbed a pair of scissors and immediately snipped this bad boy out. I've had it ever since that time. Truth be told, I still have it hanging on my wall, because it makes me happy.

There's so much awesome shit going on in this one photograph it's insane. The Coach (At least I THINK it's the Coach. I mean, if it's just a random fan or something then this photo has a whole new set of layers of funny to it) has this supremely whimsical look/smile on his face, and he even is doing a sort of leg-bend type thingy, like in the movies when a girl gets kissed all romantic like, and their one leg bends upwards.

I also love the one guy in the crowd in the glasses and black and white shirt who has the only proper look to have given the situation he is viewing. That look, right there, is the absolute avatar of a "What the fuck is this gay shit?" reaction.

This picture is special to me because nowadays physically finding something in a magazine or newspaper is pretty much never going to happen again.

I mean, I used to have a stack of Maxim/FHM/Insert non-porno titty mag here books laying around that I would use to...um...DO RESEARCH AND SUCH with. For example, I bought TWO copies of the FHM with Catherine Bell on the cover (I still have one in the bag around here somewhere) and that shit is like my BIBLE. Don't remember that one? Allow me to refresh the memory.

Nowadays, I can just pop into Google and type "Hot ass pictures of new hot piece of short-haired ass #9" and get pages and pages of completely free pictures without ever having to visit a newstand. It's very spiff and rather convenient, but it's kind of sad that print is so much less of an important medium. Hell, in 2010/2011 it's goddamn inconvenient to have to lug around a magazine, when ipads and laptops are so much damn sexier.

Alright, I'm beginning to sound like an old coot again.

My point is, this awesomely gay picture of these guys hugging it out is special to me because I didn't find it online, but trimmed the thing out myself from a newspaper. It's almost a damn relic! Anyways, I hope the picture makes you laugh on this Eve of Christmas, and happy holidays to all you folks out there. And damn, even after all this time, that FHM cover of the lovely Catherine Bell makes me giddy. That girl is legit spiff.

NUCLEAR CLOWN RADIO - EPISODE ACES AND EIGHTS

IN THIS WORLD-SPANNING AUDIO DOCUMENT:

-Uncle Dave’s Dreamland Story Time!

-The truth about Sir Paul and Captain Kirk!

-NCR goes international! (Now with extra boobage)

-SHUT UP, HOOKER!

-Eddie Izzard is BACK on the Netflix Instant Queue!

-How New Jersey got its cool back!

-Do you shoot squirrels and shit?

-On the Irradiated ipod this week: You get a double dose of my musical taste as I play two songs from Karate’s In Place of Real Insight album, seamlessly melding together the wily jams “This, Plus Slow Song” and “Today or Tomorrow!”

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Take the world by the fucking balls.

I swear, this has been the best month ever for finding Internet stuff that cracks my ass up. This song is officially expanding my horizons, and has blasted to #1 with a laser bullet in the billboard 100 of my soul.

Get your Tron on.

Youtube seems to have lifted time limits on their videos altogether! This is both good and bad for me.
You see, rendering this 35 minute video took me over four hours. Uploading it to Youtube? Over an hour and a half. So yea, this shit takes some time (About five and a half hours for you math majors out there!). I love giving more content in my videos, but that is just a BIT ridiculous for me, so I think my Youtube stuff will be staying at around 15-20 minutes, with longer videos whenever I feel more chatter is needed. Maybe if I had a more spiff computer these times would decrease, so who knows.

I wanna do a comparison!

                                           NUCLEAR CLOWN TV         NUCLEAR CLOWN RADIO
                 Record time:                 30 Minutes                              Around 75-90 Minutes
                 Edit time:                 30 Minutes to 1 Hour                       5 Minutes...maybe
                 Rendering Time:               4+ Hours                                  10-15 Minutes
                 Internet Upload Time:      1.5 Hours                              30 Minutes...maybe
                 Overall Content:        Around 30 Minutes                           Over 1 Hour

So it takes me way less time to complete a podcast than to complete a video, and you end up getting twice or thrice the amount of bang for your buck, so expect more Podcasts than Videos. Very cool of Youtube though for axing the time limit!

Anyways, enjoy!

NOOGLEAR CLOWN RADIO - EPISODE 7-11

IN THIS TONGUE-TRAPPING LESSON:

-Marky Mark: Permanent Underdog?

-You want the truth of a gal's age? You can't HANDle the truth!

-Pee Wee Herman's Latin twin!

-Gilbert Gottfried ruins my boner!

-The life-stealing mummy powers of Mister Billy Bob Thornton!

-WWE King of the ring Sheamus is a LARPer!

-I see Angelina Jolie's boobs, but at what price victory?  

-On the Irradiated ipod this week: From the band Dig's very last album Life Like, we all get to do enjoy a bit of massive grooving with the tremendously spiff song "Busstopping!"

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Perry Saturn is a tough fucker.

I've always liked Perry Saturn. The Eliminators in the original ECW were seriously legit, and even in WCW I really liked Saturn's stuff. To this day, I think "The Rings of Saturn" is the fucking sickest sounding submission hold in the history of the universe. I don't know about you, but if someone said "Dave, would you rather me behead you with this ax here, or would you rather me put you in THE RINGS OF SATURN for a few seconds" then I'd easily take decapitation. I loved using Saturn in the CLASSIC WCW wrestling video games for N64, and even though his WWE run wasn't very good, (Join the club of WCW badasses who were made to look like freaking jokes once they jumped ship) I always liked watching him wrestle.

Wikipedia says that Saturn joined the army at age 17 for 4 years and became an Airbourbe-fucking-Ranger.

When I was 17 years old, I was jerking off my tiny penis frequently, stuffing my fat freaking face with fast food and egg nog and trying my best to avoid any kind of responsibility for my behavior and actions. Actually, I'm 30 now and not much has changed in that regard. The point I'm poorly trying to make is that I couldn't imagine going through anything like that at 17. I'm just flat out not brave/strong/good enough. HOWEVER, let's see Saturn try and drink a whole half gallon of Egg Nog in one sitting, hmmmmm? DIDN'T THINK SO, PERRY.

What can I say, we all have our gifts.

Rumor has it that Perry Saturn saw some girl getting raped by two guys and he got involved trying to help her, getting shot in the throat for his trouble. I've heard and read this on a billion wrestling sites, yet it's not listed on his Wikipedia page for some reason. As for the truth? Who knows.

I found this video on a wrestling site and it really stuck out to me. Perry's been through hard times lately. Getting shot, being homeless, finding himself wrapped up in meth addiction. It's insane. However, what really REALLY stands out for me is how Saturn talks about his problems. He doesn't show an ounce of "pity me" or "Feel bad for me". He doesn't claim that Jesus helped him pull through his addiction like so many Wrestlers just LOVE to do after they get out of the ring. To borrow a well-worn cliche, he tells it like it is, and makes no excuses. I really, really respect that.

Do you suffer from Wilde Cockburn?

My ultimate holiday gift for you all.

When I give a gift, I give it right, dig? I found this picture of this AWESOME ASS person and I had to share with you all. As soon as I saw this, I immediately assumed that two twin brothers were born to a proud momma, grew up, and one was embraced by a stodgy Ventrue, and the other by a beyond-wily Ravnos.

Obviously, he is ancient, powerful, and absolutely swimming in pussy. You have no idea how badly I want to make a Christmas card out of this picture and mail it to every single household in the lower 48 states. Merry Christmas time, folks, you are all so very welcome.

NUCLEAR CLOWN RADIO - EPISODE THE SIXTH

IN THIS CATACLYSMIC EPISODE:

-Azeroth no more!

-I have had one love in my life, and that love is Night Trap!

-Important movies and TV shows that I've never seen!

-What do Netflix and tightrope walkers have in common?

-I get an incredible Christmas gift over a decade in the making!

-Goodbye, Hamada, it's kind of weird that I think you're sort of cute!

-Let's all try and make some new slang, you freaking Dick Wolfs!

-On the Irradiated ipod this week: Glen Phillips' lost album Tornillo, has an absolutely astonishing gem of a song on it that I share with you! You can go to GlenPhillips.com and listen to all the stuff that Glen's been up to, including this week's Irradiated ipod entry "Half Life!"

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I proudly bring to you NIGHT TRAP and DOUBLE SWITCH

On this week's podcast I mention my absolute love of the old ass Sega CD games Night Trap and Double Switch. I may not be able to bring you the high five video, but I can hook all my little Nukelings and Nukelettes up with two of the greatest cinematic achievements ever!

and...

You're welcome!

NUCLEAR CLOWN RADIO - EPISODE HIGH FIVE

IN THIS OPPOSITE OF EAR CANDY BROADCAST:

-Fantastic PANTS!

-A very special tribute to my favorite number ever!

-Vigo the Carpathian > The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man!

-Part two in the holy trinity of horrible Eddie Murphy Movie Reviews: A Vampire in Brooklyn!

-My place among the ancient Chinese Zodiac!

-Did I forget to mention fantastic PANTS?!

-The Miz is your new Champion! Not mine!

-On the Irradiated ipod this week: Dave's Podcasting...But who's listening? This week we go out on the kick-butt opening song from Megadeth's absolutely classic album Peace sells...but who's buying? a little number called "Wake up dead!" 

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Jeff Jarrett is my new favorite wrestler of all time. Here is why.

Seriously, this shit is fucking awesome. My hat is off to Jeff, and I hope that they go all the way with this MMA stuff, complete with MMA entrances/vaseline on the face/in-ring introduction/no pyro. I am not being sarcastic in the least bit when I tellsya that I freaking love this stuff, and cannot believe I am giving Jeff Jarrett of all people such kudos.

TNA will probably find a way to screw this absolute GOLD up, but hell, we'll always have the Double J Dojo...

My actions are controlled easily by clever marketing.

So, I shave my head, and find a whole brave, bald new world of shit to buy for myself. You see, I am spending more money on my bald head than I ever had when I had hair! I mean, look at all this cool shit that is made just for bald people, they have a company called Headblade, which specializes on all sorts of funky, brightly colored, smartly marketed junk to buy to keep your skull smooth, soft, and glossy. Don’t believe me? Take a look at the HEADBLADE, which looks like it should come out of Batman’s utility belt and not the shaving section of the Rite Aid down the street for me.

That shit’s got WHEELS, son! A razor with wheels? How cool looking is that? And that’s not all! You see, Headblade sells all sorts of funky creams and lotions and head-related crap to buy for yourself and your newly exposed noggin. At present, I have a Headblade, the OFFICIAL headblade menthol shaving cream gel, and two bottles of the Headlube stuff (One Sunscreen and the other Glossy). Just take a gander at these spiffy looking products!

This descent into baldness made me realize something about myself that I guess I always knew-I am a fucking sucker for any kind of marketing. If you have a snazzy logo and some interestingly colored, sweetly packaged junk to sell me, I will buy it up in a second. Now, the Headblade stuff I have isn’t crap-it actually works very well, but it’s just funny how anything with snazzy marketing and a cool logo can get my attention. This is probably why I have so many goddamn Dungeons and Dragons books that I continue to buy even though I currently hate Wizards of the Coast and everything that burps out of its gaping, cash hungry vagina.

But anyway, the moral of the story is, if you have a flashy logo and brightly colored merchandise, just come and take away all my money, because I’m already sold.

NUCLEAR CLOWN RADIO - EPISODE 2 + 2 = 4

IN THIS COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY SHAVEN EPISODE:

-Jesus took all of my hair away, because apparently I was not ugly enough as is!

-A far too in-depth review of the Adventures of Pluto Nash!

-My place in the history of Christian Gangsta Rap!

-I'm the only person in the world that doesn't like the Beatles!

-Mick Foley's life is not so interesting that it takes 4 autobiographies to sum up!

-Harry Potter is a pompous bastard!

-On the Irradiated ipod this week: Baby Huey tells it like it is! From his album The Baby Huey Story: The Living Legend, we all get to go through about 3 minutes of "Hard Times!"

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I suck at this Blogging thing.

I realize that I hardly ever actually post Blog-type things here, and that is for a reason. To me, if something is really on my mind, I find it better (and more fun) to just talk about it on the podcast instead of writing it all out. Partially because I’m lazy and my spelling freaking sucks, but I want to really give it a go, so I will do my darndest to come up with some more written material for those of you who have actually found my little site here. So, this means good news for those of you who absolutely hate the sound of my voice!

More prose should be coming your way…I think. Hopefully.

Maybe I’ll start doing more in depth reviews on wrestling shows like TNA or whatever. That would be pretty cool and fun to write. Any suggestions would be appreciated!

NUCLEAR CLOWN RADIO - EPISODE III

IN THIS THIRD TIME IS CERTAINLY NO CHARM EPISODE:

-More Dot Com Disasters!

-Eddie Murphy is having real problems making movies nowadays!

-Gay accusations from my mysterious past!
-Wrestlers don't always make good decisions when choosing tattoos!

-Jackass + Wild Animals + Neflix = My complete and undivided attention!

-Macho Man Randy Savage is STILL the Heavyweight champ of Hip Hop!

-On the Irradiated ipod this week: David Bowie weaves a wondrous and sad tale with one of my favorite songs ever (minus the ending part) "The Bewlay Brothers" from his album Hunky Dory!

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Eddie Izzard wants us to all Believe!

The Tattoo Review!

So on the podcast I was discussing silly Tattoos, and true to my word, here is a nice picture of AJ Styles' big ass, goofily placed tattoo. As you can see, AJ is so very proud of his silly fleshmare that he is screaming in victory.

But good ol' AJ isn't alone in silly torso-advertising, and Brock Lesnar is right up there as far as having a funny looking tattoo. However, I think people are downright doofy for thinking that Brock's "Kinda sorta Sword" looks ANYTHING like a penis. Unless, of course, your junk happens to have 4 balls lined up in a row and for some reason you have spikes jutting out of the base of your child pipe. I don't know the tactical benefit of having a brass knuckles/sword combination, but then again, my days of swordfighting for my life are far behind me.

NUCLEAR CLOWN RADIO - EPISODE 2.5 ESSENTIALS

IN THIS TWICE - RECORDED SECOND INSTALLMENT:

-More technology nitemares!

-More cat meowing!

-Kat Dennings blesses the world with breastage!

-Attack of the 20 year sequels!

-TNA Wrestling signs Tyranosaur - Immediately becomes World Champion!

-Darryl Hannah sort of looks like a man!

-A cussing retrospective!

-On the Irradiated ipod this Week: We take a trip back to the good ol' mid 90's and take a listen to "Supervixen" by Garbage, whose singer showed me her hooters kinda sorta this one time!

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This video made a man outta me.

Ah, 1996. I was 16, had a full head of hair, had yet to give in to the dark side of absolute obesity, and was oblivious to the impending cataclysm that would eventually become my life. It was a time before porn was readily available to me, and I was not quite old enough to skulk around the adult section of a video store in search of breasts without fear of being ousted.

I've always thought that Shirley Manson was one hot slice of fine, and she was in her absolute prime in the mid-90's, bringing that fantastic blend of pug ugly with mind blowing sexy, to create a strange sort of super hybrid sex kitten that made my gonads explode each time I saw her.

In fact, I loved her so much that I sat through the goddamn VH1 fashion awards to watch her sing some, and she rewarded me by practically flashing me at around the 3 minute mark of her performance. I cannot tell you how many VCRs I broke rewinding this shit again and again, to stare longingly at this magnificent woman's almost-full boob profile.

So now I share this with you, my friends. You youngsters will undoubtedly find it funny that this little sudden boob flash was so exciting to me back then, but then again, you come from an age where the hot babes of your time routinely record themselves sucking off their boyfriends in crystal clear HD and flashing their snatches on every other car exit.

The moral of the story is, naturally, that technology will always be wonderful, and I will always be pathetic. Enjoy!

Atomic Angie is beautiful.

The other day I was tinkering around with some art to put up when I posted my first edition of NUCLEAR CLOWN RADIO, and the first thing I drew was this picture of Atomic Angie with some headphones around her neck. So after I finished this, I didn’t really think it fit the type of mood I wanted to convey with my Podcast, so I put it aside and then drew the freaky screaming yellow guy that I later ended up using as my Podcast picture.

I really like the Angie picture a lot, though, and it’s probably my favorite drawing I’ve done of her, and I figured it would be a shame to just have it laying around, so I’m posting it here so it’s not wasted. I think it’s pretty funny because I always draw Angie in pictures that showcase her enormous, downright jolly jugs, and here, this picture of just her face, is my favorite one of her that I’ve ever done. She just has this sort of sadness about her features that I think came out really good.

I never really talk much about Angie, who is the official mascot for all things Nuclear Clown, so I will dedicate this post to her!

The first thing I should point out is that I look like a Mutant, so I knew that if I was going to make a jump into doing Youtube Videos, I should really give some kind of eye candy to the viewers, and I doubt that my big fat head counts as “eye candy” of any sort to anyone.

See, girls on Youtube have it easy-a hot girl can just make a video about anything, show some cleavage, and boom, subs go through the roof. It’s a harsh reality for us ugly folk that people just don’t like looking at us, so I had to try and balance out my horrendous appearance with something far more lovely. So I made a nice, busty gal to go along with the whole clown theme, and there you have it, I squirted the lovely Angie out of my figurative creative birth canal and now she is all grown up and packing a set of Double D’s that make you wanna stand up and scream for buttermilk!  

So, from time to time I’ll just post on this site some of the Atomic Angie images that I never finish/use whatever, because damn, the girl looks spiff, and everyone likes to look at pretty stuff.

NUCLEAR CLOWN RADIO - EPISODE ONE

IN THIS STARTLING FIRST EPISODE:

-The triumphant return of the McRib!

-CRACK TALK

-The death of halloween!

-Kindred: The Embraced actually on my TV in 2010!

-A Dungeons and Dragons Essentials...uh...discussion!

-My cat providing backing vocals!

-X Box's new look-Me no likey!

-On the Irradiated ipod this Week: Remote Tree Children's "Blood Pressurize" from the album Veteran of the Loudness Wars. Go to GlenPhillips.com to listen to Glen's entire solo collection of work and side projects for free!

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I saw Saw

Riley Martin thinks I'm a genius. No, I have proof!

LEFT CLICK PLAY / RIGHT CLICK DOWNLOAD

Riley Martin's Cosmic Legend is ready to blow your mind to pieces!

Nobody gives the slightest shit what I think.

I always swore I would never do a blog, because nobody cares about my opinions/political views/religious beliefs/convictions/moral compass/preference of mayonaise or miracle whip (Miracle Whip, by the way). So, that being said, you can soundly deduce that I am a fucking liar, because now I'm trying to get a Blog together.

Most times I try to be a nice person, but once in a while, I will completely and totally go back on a vow I have emphaticallty sworn at some time or another (Like when I proudly proclaimed, as a teenager who weighed far less than I do currently that I would never, ever do that "Stupid, faggy aol instant messenger bullshit"). This is one of those whiles.

So, now that I've went back on another life-promise, we can get to business. This Blog is what I hope will be a combination of everything I do online. I have a Youtube channel and I will see if I can have the videos I make on there be linked through this blog, and I also am looking into doing a podcast on a somewhat regular basis (I'm lazy and fat, so my "regular basis" window is uh...open to interpretation).

I try not to make a Youtube video about every little thing that crosses my mind, because I’m too lazy to set up my mic and camera and crap to record each dumb ass thought I have, so a Blog is perfect for me to express these little outbursts without spending a good few hours uploading videos. I hope this place will become a nice little happy medium of Blogs, Videos, and Podcasts, giving you the ULTIMATE NUCLEAR CLOWN EXPERIENCE(!), and I will do everything in my power to make that work out, but you must understand that I’m technologically stupid, and will be taking slow, funny looking baby steps to get there eventually.

So yea, that being said, I’m going to tinker around with this crap and try to get something fun and happy and spiff up to make the internet that much more radioactive.

Bombs away.