As President, CEO, Board of Director member and primary
stock holder of NUCLEAR CLOWN INCORPORATED, I have come to realize something
about myself as a Wrestling Fan: I like shit that nobody likes.
As such, it is with great honor and humility that I
proudly introduce the OFFICIAL NUCLEAR CLOWN PRO WRESTLING HALL OF FAME. Each
year, an esteemed council of Pro Wrestling experts, fans and judges will
tirelessly review BILLIONS of possible candidates from the entire spectrum of
pro wrestling history, and induct a rare few who have the gumption, legendary
status, as well as mental fortitude to exceed the sport and become absolutely
true legends in this hallowed industry.
Translation: I will induct people that I like. Most of
which “real” wrestling fans will most likely laugh at me for liking.
As I sit here typing this, I am in a full tuxedo, dressed
to the gills with my big fat bald head waxed to a pearly shine. This is a black
tie affair, and I do hope that you are properly dressed for the occasion. You
all changed and Ventrue-ish? Excellent. Now, it is with great pride that I
present to you the VERY FIRST Induction of theClass of 2012…
NORMAN SMILEY
Now, when I first saw Norman Smiley wrestle, I was
immediately fascinated with his shoes. This is tremendously gay, I know, but he
wore these old style amateur wrestling shoe type dealies that just immediately
grabbed my attention. He didn’t have too much flavor to him at first, but he
did this really great looking swinging body slam that was very cool looking, so
I kept my eye on him and his awesome freaking shoes.
I’ve often said that being a good, proficient wrestler in
the ring is all well and good, but means very little if you don’t have SOME
kind of character to pair with it. This isn’t simply an athletic display like
the Olympics, but it’s more a show, like a circus or gladiatorial event. You
need style, panache, and all that good stuff to REALLY stand out, not just
sweet moves or technical proficiency. Norman had that shit down fine, but he
needed some flash, and he certainly got some when he developed THE BIG WIGGLE. I should never want to see another man perform this hip-motion ever in my life, but my god, man, it fills me with glee every time.
Another thing about Normal Smiley I really like? The guy
has a great voice. He’s this calm and articulate and relaxed fellow. The guy
could read me a bedtime story and I’d be asleep for days. I will boldly predict
that if Norman Smiley worked suicide prevention hotlines, he would CURE
SUICIDE. His name is SMILEY for crying out loud. Who would ever want to die
after talking with a man named Smiley?
You are the VERY first ever inductee to my Hall of Fame,
Norman. If I was a rich man I would build an official Hall of Fame building and
have your awesome shoes in a glass case for the masses to marvel at. Welcome
home.
*AUDIENCE REACTION: Respectful and polite applause as well as numerous Big
Wiggle interpretations throughout the crowd*
Our second inductee is of particular importance to myself
and my penis. As a young boy, I lost literal gallons of precious seed to her
perky smile and astonishing gyrations. The WCW Nitro girls were a vastly
awesome idea in my opinion, and they always added to the show because they were
used sparsely here or there, returning from a commercial break for a quick
dance-session or the like. If they were around nowadays, they would eat up 10
minute segments on Raw and quickly grow tiresome, but WCW did it right.
Everyone had a favorite Nitro Girl. There were a bunch to
choose from, most of which, to me, were silly looking cardboard cut-outs. Long
hair, big, rock hard bolted on fake boobs, and zero, and I mean ZERO
personality or style. However, amid the endless sea of plastic and ex-strippers
there was a gleaming light that I was immediately drawn to every Monday Nite,
and she is our second induction this evening.
NITRO GIRL SPICE
Seriously. Look at her. Look. At. Her. LOOK AT HER!
Spice always came across to me as less a human being and
more some magical woodland fairy creature that would flitter and prance about
the majestic lands of some D&D misty glade, sprinkling horny-dust all over
the place and forever evading the lurking sexual predators of said forest
(which were giant and bald and fat and all named Dave for some reason).
Of all the Nitro girls, she actually had her own vibe and
flavor to her. She stood out, because she didn’t have giant fake hoots or long
hair. She had her own style, her own personality, and is the Nitro Girl that
launched a thousand boners that all happened to belong to me. Growing up,
nobody I talked to about wrestling ever knew who Spice was. I felt like I was
the only one who cared about the poor dear, but I know I am not alone in my
wild longings to crush her bones to fine powder during a copious and sloppy
session of lard-covered Dave-loving. The wrestling community may have
overlooked you, my dear woman, but I never will, and I proudly welcome you as
the First lady of the Nuclear Clown Pro Wrestling Hall of Fame.
*AUDIENCE REACTION: Hushed gasps and whispers as
security is required to remove Dave from the stage after a prolonged session of
“Air-Humping”*
Well, now that all that Air Humping is outta my system…
Modern day wrestling seems to be some distant offspring
to what I once used to watch and enjoy as a youth. Of all the things that
wrestling nowadays lacks that it used to have, the one thing I miss most has
got to be the simple and long neglected use of Managers and Valets.
Sure, the Joker is cool and all that, but isn’t he just
THAT much better with Harley Quinn at his side, bopping around and being cute?
Pro wrestling is about characters and illusions and stories, and nothing brings
those characters to life better than supporting characters to further define
the idea you are trying to express to an audience with a Wrestler. Which brings us to our third induction for the
evening…
GOLDUST & MARLENA
If you were to ask me who my all time favorite wrestler
is, I might give you a different answer each day of the week. However, I can
promise you that on at least two of those days, my answer would be Goldust
& Marlena. Surely you will say “But, Dave, Marlena ain’t no wrestler!” and
I would agree. However, this character of the freaky, opponent-feeling-up,
movie obsessed actor and his cigar smoking Director, all clad in Gold, is a
package deal for me, and in my opinion, was the height of what a character
should be in pro wrestling.
I mean, really, the guy is like straight up James Bond/Batman villain level we're talking here.
Goldust stuck around for numerous years after his
partnership with Marlena, but yaknow, it just wasn’t the same. He got
electrocuted, teamed up with Booker T, and from time to time you’d see him on
TV, but I don’t think the entire essence of the character was ever fully whole
since those old glory days alongside Marlena, and as far as I’m concerned, both
sides of this awesome duo deserve equal recognition for making it all work, and
with that, I welcome them proudly to this elite group!
*AUDIENCE REACTION: Sheer horror as Dave tears off his
Tuxedo to reveal that his entire fat and nude body has been painted gold.
Horror soon turns to a sea of giggles as the women in the audience take in the
ludicrously undersized sight of Dave’s flaccid and shriveled up goo launcher*
Over the course of their careers, Wrestlers often take up
various identity changes in an attempt to connect with an audience. Few Pro
Wrestlers can say that they have maintained the same character for the entire
length of their career, and it is a rare few who do manage to completely change
up their identity and become reborn as something completely, utterly different
than the persona they once held fast to. Our next induction made a beyond
drastic change in character that was vastly underappreciated by the wrestling
community as a whole, but I not only remember it vividly, but absolutely loved
it.
BERLYN
Alex Wright was a good looking, blond and German Master-Race-looking
type of fella in WCW who came out to the ring to heinous Euro-trash techno
music while dancing like a foppish and gay retard. Don’t believe me? Check it.
Now, don’t get me wrong, that dance and music are both
pretty awesome, but what really takes the bacon is what Alex ended up doing
after a few years of busting out such righteous dance moves. The hair got dyed
black and cut in a drastic type style, he took up some goth gear and a spiffy
cane and silver finger claw thingy, and BOOM, out of the blue came Berlyn, a
truly underrated character that honestly never got the fair chance that it
deserved during the dying days of my beloved WCW. I mean, compare the two
characters for a bit, and hopefully you can appreciate as I do the complete and
utter 180 done to keep himself relevant and give the fans something different.
It really is impressive, all things considered, and is a downright shame that
it never took off.
Don’t be sad that the wrestling community at large was
not yet prepared for your awesome character, Berlyn. I will always appreciate
the drastic change of persona and count it among one of the most remembered out
of all the wrestling I have seen. Ich danke ihnen sehr!
*AUDIENCE REACTION: Explosion of cheers as horrid techno
music begins blaring through the house speakers and Dave begins to rabidly Alex
Wright-dance all over the place with a righteous fury that few could hope to
match or bear witness to ever again*
Wow, this evening has been such a humbling experience.
Being surrounded by these paragons of the squared circle makes me truly proud
to be an American. This brings us to our final and most prestigious induction
of this very first class of this hallowed hall, and one that is quite simply
the essence of a complete wrestling character.
GANGREL
I absolutely adore Vampire: The Masquerade, so yes, I am
partial to Gangrel. I even recall in some of his matches as he walked down to
the ring they would place a little add in the corner of the screen with the
cover of the book on it. You can imagine how awesome I thought this was, as I
was one of the few outcasts in my youth who dared to play these nerd-fest
roleplaying game thingies. Did an add for Dungeons & Dragons ever come up
whenever Stone Cold Steve Austin or Hulk Hogan took to the squared circle? NO.
That in itself should show you just how awesome Gangrel
is. Seriously, the guy had it all in my opinion. He had a character to him. He
had a unique look. He had one of the GREATEST entrances in the history of
wrestling, as well as the coolest entrance music that I personally have ever
heard. Really, look at how awesome this entrance is!
One thing a lot of fans overlook in a wrestler is their
entrance music. When you build a character, it has to be all or nothing. You
can’t have a character who is a straight laced college jock type who comes out
to some Rage Against the Machine knock-off—Oh, well…I…uh, I guess you can, but
that doesn’t mean that you SHOULD. Gangrel’s music fit his character
completely. Not only that, but it was legit a cool song! Listen to this and try
your best to convince me that it doesn’t have a good groove to it. I dare you!
(No matter what you say, I will not listen and continue rocking out HARD to
this)
Early on, they even gave Gangrel his own faction! The
Brood was pretty damn cool no matter what incarnation you choose. I mean, let’s
take a look at who was in the Brood over the years, shall we? We have Edge (WWE
Hall of Famer), Christian (Former Heavyweight Champion), And Jeff & Matt
Hardy (Multiple time Tag champions, with Jeff even being Heavyweight champion
for a bit later on). Everyone that they surrounded Gangrel with in the Brood
went on to do some pretty great stuff, and if you want to know my personal
theory on the subject, I still hold to the notion that Gangrel ghouled them
all, giving them a dot of Potence and a small taste of his unholy power!
Gangrel’s finisher was also very cool, and was stolen by
like…BILLIONS of wrestlers to come. So, there’s that as further case to his
greatness.
Gangrel is still out there someplace, undoubtedly stalking for prey,
and it is my honor to induct him into my Hall of Fame. Also, if I wasn’t
already long ago embraced into Clan Nosferatu, I would want Gangrel to be my
Sire. Thank you all for attending this most important event, and
congratulations to the first ever Class of the Nuclear Clown Pro Wrestling Hall
of Fame!
*Audience Reaction: Mild annoyance and general muttering
as the crowd files out of the building, disappointment clearly written all over
their face. Dave stands triumphantly on stage, fist raised high in the air in
that Freddy Mercury pose, with obviously over-dubbed applause piped in through
the house speakers as confetti rains down from the ceiling and into Dave’s
mouth. Wait, that isn’t confetti. Those are Wheat Thins*
